I know, in the past, I’ve spoken on a few topics without implying that anyone should take it as anything more than opinion. I originally wanted to start this blog with the intention of sharing what I’ve learned about sex and erotica, and perhaps, share a few of my past experiences as well. With this knowledge, I hoped to help others who may be just getting started in erotica, or to share another perspective to experienced writers. I don’t know if I’m accomplishing that for anyone reading this, but I’ll continue to try.
One important aspect of eroticism, at least in my opinion, is the art of seduction. It’s still one of the most difficult skills to learn when it comes to courtship, but one of the most important. When I was younger, and still learning it for myself, I did so knowing I had to show a bit of class. Lately, however, I’ve noticed class is becoming less and less predominant, and is being replaced by these guys insisting, literally insisting, they have “swag”. I’m sure any ladies reading this know what I mean, and likely had to deal with them the way most people deal with house flies.
Again, this is just an opinion piece, so please take it as such. Having that said, I cannot believe this is actually a trend in the dating scene. Swag is the natural enemy of class, and I feel like these ‘bros’ are giving the wrong impression to respectable women. To focus your eligibility on how much money you’ve spent on designer clothing and ball caps, as well as “making it rain”, implies women can be bought for sex any time they choose. If a man truly wishes to show a lady respect, and seem respectable in return, then maybe it’s time we re-teach men how to show a little class, and come off as charming instead.
This isn’t an exact list, or even 100% accurate, but these are my Top 5 tips for class, based on my own knowledge and experience.
1. Dress well
I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this, but the ‘swag’ trend has forced my hand. For many people, dressing well might mean the same as ‘clean clothes’, or even ‘designer clothes’. This goes much further than that, actually. First off, you should dress for the occasion. Most days, I’m either wearing a t-shirt and jeans while I run errands, or I’m at home wearing only my pajama pants. However, when I go somewhere, knowing I’ll be at the pub, or nightclub, or somewhere I know I’ll be meeting new people, I have a different wardrobe. Rather than investing in a designer t-shirt, you could probably get yourself a better-looking button up shirt, and maybe a nice blazer. Probably for the same price, too!
You don’t necessarily have to wear a full suit when you go out to the club either. Yes, there’s nothing classier than a full three-piece suit, tailored and done up with a matching tie, but there are varying degrees of class as well. Maybe you don’t like the idea of a three-piece, but still want to give that same impression as well. I’ve managed to pull off wearing only a button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to my elbows, and a loose tie, with a pair of jeans to create a look that was both classy and casual. Sure, it didn’t have the full effect, but I still managed to turn a few heads.
The other side to this is personal grooming. A nice outfit means nothing if you haven’t had a haircut in three months, and haven’t shaved in a week. Make sure you get a haircut regularly, even if only for a trim. Once every two weeks should be the minimum interval, and shaving once every other day, or just before going out to meet other people. Of course, there are a lot of women who like the scruffy, or bearded look, as well. In this case, make sure you’ve invested in a trimmer to keep it under control. I know many guys have difficulty pulling off this look, due to the threat of the dreaded ‘neck beard’, but that’s really a much smaller problem than you think. The answer is really right there in the name: just don’t have any hair on your neck! Everything from the jawline and down, shave it off entirely. You’ll be able to have a bearded look, and still keep it looking clean as well.
2. Know when to make a gesture.
This is a bit of a tricky topic, because it involves a lot of reading the room. This is where charm usually begins and ends during most interactions. Let me first give you an example of what not to do. A man walks into the club, completely disregarding tip #1, and instead decides to wear an Abercrombie & Fitch shirt with shorts and sandals. He immediately orders shots, takes them all, and starts to chat up every female in the room until one of them gives him the time of day. He buys her a few shots, drops a few names, and talks about the things he’s bought. After an hour, he’s very drunk, and trying to convince this woman to go home with him, and gets angry when she says no.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what all he did wrong in this situation, but there’s even more things he could have done right, instead. First and foremost, don’t get too drunk. I can already hear the collective gasping through my computer screen, but trust me on this. I mentioned this before when I talked about staying safe, and creating the best experience when meeting someone at a club, but drunk-you has a different agenda than you do. Drinking will only exacerbate your baser intentions, so it’s best to keep it at a level that loosens you up, but allows you to keep your faculties.
The next step is finding someone to interact with, and possibly begin courting. I know what this sounds like, but this is less about hooking up, and more about reading the room. If a lady is there with a group, and they seem to be doing everything together, it’s unlikely any of those women are looking to meet a guy that night. However, if a woman is there alone, or with a single friend, and they appear to be observing the other patrons, then she is more likely to be looking for a guy that night. As long as you’re not the jerk getting turned down by the group of ladies just there to dance, you’re not going to appear desperate, and she’s more likely to give you a chance.
But what if a very attractive someone approaches you instead? They ask you to sit with them at the bar, asks for your name, then introduces themselves. Things seem to be going well rather quickly. She asks you if you could buy her a drink, and smiles at you. So what do you do, buy them a drink? The correct answer here is ‘no'(and queue the collective gasp, once again). This may seem like the wrong move to make, but this will save you some grief in the long run. Yes, buying someone a drink is a nice gesture, and will keep a person interested in you, but only up to a point. No one should ever ask you to buy them a drink; the gesture should be your decision to make. If they ask you to buy for them, that’s likely all they see you as: free drinks. At this point, you should politely wish them a good rest of the night, and excuse yourself. At the same time, never begin an interaction by buying them a drink, as it sends the same message. Don’t be afraid to try and engage in conversation first. If she seems legitimately interested in you after a minute or so, politely ask if you can get her another drink, and never make her think she owes you for it either.
So, now you’ve found someone you’re interested in, and seems interested in you as well. How do you keep them from getting bored with you, or turned off? Well, that brings us to my next tip…
3. Show a little vulnerability
Let me start off by saying: it’s perfectly human to try and make yourself look awesome. It’s in our nature to make ourselves look as big as possible, either physically, or with our successes. It makes us look like the better choice as a mate, and maybe back in the day, it would have worked. Nowadays, that method is working less and less, and is coming off as just peacocking. Look for ways to tell them about yourself without looking like you’re showing off. At times, you can even do end up doing it subconsciously, so definitely think before you speak.
If this seems difficult, try keeping your sentences open-ended, allow room for feedback, or to segue into other topics. If the conversation segues into something the other person wants to talk about, let it flow that way, rather than diverge it back to what you wanted to talk about. You’re more likely to keep someone’s interest this way, and they will feel more comfortable, and willing to open up to you. They should feel like they are choosing you, rather than you, them.
4. Agree, rather than contradict
Remember how I said showing off can happen subconsciously? A lot of that can happen during conversation when the two of you are talking about jobs, hobbies, and other interests. Conversation engagement can drop dramatically with something as simple as comparing what you do, with what they do. They can tell you they just got a job at a firm, and you could respond by saying you just got promoted to junior executive. They could say they like to go rock climbing, and you could respond with, “I usually just go skydiving”. Do you see what’s happening here? Don’t be the person who likes to one-up your date. Instead, congratulate their successes, and allow them the opportunity to ask about yours.
At times, during conversation, watch out for any moments when you could be creating contradictions. Your date may talk about an issue, and it may seem natural to talk about what you know of the subject, and your points may directly contradict their own views on the topic. This makes it look like you know more, and they are clearly stupid. Don’t be that guy. Instead, allow them to elaborate, if they like, and simply accept their views, even if they differ from your own. Your date will feel more comfortable sharing their thoughts with you, and will be more comfortable with you as a person. If your views differ more than you’re comfortable with, you can always politely wish them a good rest of the night, and excuse yourself.
5. Speak less, but stay engaged
This is a bit of a summary of the previous points, but serves as it’s own point as well. Hopefully, you’ve taken what I’ve said here to heart, and perhaps see where you might have gone wrong in the past. But that’s ok, you’re only human, and that’s the subject of this final tip. Remember: the person sitting next to you is a human being, with thoughts, hopes, dreams, passions, and opinions. You should learn them, and watch as they bring you into their world. If you do this, they will want to know yours as well, and will view you as a mystery they want to uncover. But all of this begins by letting them be who they are, and stay engaged with that. If, at any time, it doesn’t seem like a real connection is going to be made, it’s always an option to politely wish them a good rest of the night, and excuse yourself.
Now, I want you to imagine yourself with a person who treats you the way I’ve described above, and imagine the things you would talk about. What would they say? What would you say? How would you feel about this person afterwards. If you’re feeling like you want to meet this person, then you should become this person. Be the man with class, and not the bro with swag. Girls may like guys with swag, but women like guys with class.